The love I had.

Round and round, and round we go,
Trying to be normal is my darkest foe,
I see my soul ,large and black
Weighing so heavy ,on my back !
Don’t forsake me now, when I need you the most
Hold me tight and let me feel you close !
Time is flowing, flowing away
I Wonder what became of that day
The days you should remember
The promises you said you’d keep
And of the love I had that ran so deep
I screamed, you cried
The person you knew ,has already died
I want to love you, I try to care
Do or die, I dread to dare
Friends faces don’t appear ,anymore
There’re locked behind, that dark door.
© chrisroberts


Feeling worthy again !

I have these ideas, then I have to remember I’m not the person I used to be.
But try I will and if you speak to the wife, very trying I can be !
The wife and I recently completed our dementia friends champion training, after all the worry and anxiety, it was worth the effort.
It could be or would be so easy to just sit and wait for the roof of ones world to just cave in, because stress and thinking just lay me flat out these days.
As I was saying, We have just done our first dementia info sessions, two on the same day ( which, afterwards I slept for nearly 14hours solid! ). A bit much with hind sight, we will stick to one a week after that !
Anyway where was I , oh yes, the wife did the bookcase analogy that explains dementia, I managed to do most of the rest ,
and there was I , feeling actually proud ! A feeling I haven’t felt for 12 months at least, I felt worthy again !
The feed back was positive, and want us back for more dates.
What team work !
So what I’m trying to say ,I think, is no matter what’s going on in your life, no matter how crappy, you Can rise above it and You can live with dementia. Just carry on doing this for as long as You can.
You just have to find that branch to hold onto and hold as tight as you can while you can .


The constant battle !

It’s oh so cloudy, it’s oh so dull ! I can’t remember the artist or the rest of the words, but it brings new meaning to me.
It’s a constant battle, new problems weekly, if not daily, I have new boots now , all with zips on the side because I can’t tie my shoelaces.
I can’t use a knife and fork, just one implement at a time, my brain cannot multitask, it can’t do two things at once.
I shout out random words which are only supposed to be private thoughts, don’t tell me your secrets. Lol !
I don’t do well with jokes or sarcasm, I don’t get the punch line, are you joking or telling me a story, should I laugh or should I cry !
Faces don’t appear in my memories anymore and I ask my children their names.
Tired all the time, everything is such hard work, exhausting.
A grown man having to be reminded to do everything, anything.
I scream inside, I scream at my poor dog, so I don’t at my family. But he understands and still lays by my feet and looks at me sometimes to make sure it’s still me .
But It’s not me, I’m disappearing so fast and this new slow ,old, tired ,inpatient man is coming to the fore, angry and uneducated,
he’s so hard to reason with because I think he finds everything so hard to understand, I’m becoming like a child.
I’m unlearning every thing I’ve ever known one horrible day at a time.
‘Living well’ I don’t ! I live with ! ‘Not suffering ‘. I do, my family do, in every way every day.
Scared that one day the cloud won’t lift !
This isn’t written for sympathy ,it’s for insight and education, and for other diagnosed, to show them they are not alone


Worries about dementia, the “normal” life killer !

I Didn’t think I had any worries. Life was good ! Maybe to good !
Because then it started !
I started worry about some times getting lost, the worry about why I’m unable to accomplish things as easy as I used to,
The worry about why I was struggling with money.
It then started to affect my relationship and family life, The worry then started to affect me !
The worry through the The diagnosis procedure, the worry about what was happening to me.
The Worry i had trying not to worry about the worry !
When the diagnosis did come, that was the biggest worry, but not for me.
My poor wife and children are going to have to deal with the worst ! The late stages when I won’t remember, when I might not know them or even care !
I worry about the shouting I do, for almost no reason, the worry about where that patient and
understanding man has gone !
I worry when I hear my wife crying on her own and when I see a tear in my daughter’s eye.
The worry when I’m locked in a room because my hands are full, I worry when I can’t do my own tie or
Asking your children to tie up your laces and to remind me of their name !
I worry when I stagger and can’t see steps, I worry when I fall !
I worry about respite and day care, I worry about where I’m to go !
My head gets so confused and cloudy, my thoughts don’t make sense anymore.
I worry on the days when I’m tired and find it so difficult to talk
Did I say I worry what’s to become of Me, me that’s starting to disappear, day by day,
I worry about the hold Dementia has on me and my family !
I worry about my lack of love that I used to have, I don’t love or feel anymore
I worry that I can cry for no reason and scream for even less !
I worry about the limited future I and my family don’t have any more.
People say don’t worry ! Life goes on ! Living well with it ! And even the joy !
I worry about people not understanding
I worry with dementia, day by day
I’m not supposed to worry, Ive got to get up and beat this disease, I’ve got to live well with it, we don’t suffer, it’s not painful !
Well then I’ll tell you what ! Let’s swop !