Tag Archives: scared


The constant battle !

It’s oh so cloudy, it’s oh so dull ! I can’t remember the artist or the rest of the words, but it brings new meaning to me.
It’s a constant battle, new problems weekly, if not daily, I have new boots now , all with zips on the side because I can’t tie my shoelaces.
I can’t use a knife and fork, just one implement at a time, my brain cannot multitask, it can’t do two things at once.
I shout out random words which are only supposed to be private thoughts, don’t tell me your secrets. Lol !
I don’t do well with jokes or sarcasm, I don’t get the punch line, are you joking or telling me a story, should I laugh or should I cry !
Faces don’t appear in my memories anymore and I ask my children their names.
Tired all the time, everything is such hard work, exhausting.
A grown man having to be reminded to do everything, anything.
I scream inside, I scream at my poor dog, so I don’t at my family. But he understands and still lays by my feet and looks at me sometimes to make sure it’s still me .
But It’s not me, I’m disappearing so fast and this new slow ,old, tired ,inpatient man is coming to the fore, angry and uneducated,
he’s so hard to reason with because I think he finds everything so hard to understand, I’m becoming like a child.
I’m unlearning every thing I’ve ever known one horrible day at a time.
‘Living well’ I don’t ! I live with ! ‘Not suffering ‘. I do, my family do, in every way every day.
Scared that one day the cloud won’t lift !
This isn’t written for sympathy ,it’s for insight and education, and for other diagnosed, to show them they are not alone


What do you see nurse ?

Someone told me about this poem the other day, found and read it , very potent and very true, thanks Steve McG

What do you see, nurse, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far away eyes.

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try?”
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will.
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill,
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I use at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she’ll meet.
A bride soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man’s beside me to see I don’t mourn.
At fifty once more babies play around my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old woman and nature is cruel,
‘Tis just to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman, look closer – see ME!!